From The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner Ph.D:
“While attending a conference in New York one spring, I rode by bus to the Met Museum with two colleagues. I had lost my old familiarity with the city, and my companions, Celia and Janet, felt like foreigners in a strange land. Perhaps as a result of our “big city” anxiety, we reminded the bus driver—once too often—to announce our stop. In a sudden and unexpected fury, he launched into a vitriolic attack that turned heads throughout the crowded bus. The three of us stood in stunned silence.
Later over coffee, we shared our personal reactions to this incident. Celia felt mildly depressed. She was reminded of her abusive ex and this particular week was the anniversary of their divorce. Janet reacted with anger, which seemed to dissipate as she drummed up clever retorts to the driver’s outburst and hilarious revenge fantasies. My own reaction was nostalgia. I had been feeling homesick for New York and almost welcomed the contrast to the Midwestern politeness to which I had been accustomed…
Suppose we reflect briefly on this incident. We might all agree that the bus driver behaved badly. But is he also responsible for the reactions of three women? Did he cause Celia’s depression and Janet’s anger? Did he make me feel nostalgic for my past? And if one of us had reacted to this man’s surliness by jumping of Brooklyn Bridge that night, should he be held accountable for a death? Or viewed from another perspective, were we responsible for his outburst to begin with?”
It is tempting to view human interactions in simple cause-and-effect terms. If we are angry, someone else caused it. Or if we are the target of someone else’s anger, we must be to blame; or alternatively—if we are convinced of our innocence—we may conclude that the other person has no right to feel angry. The more our relationships in our first family are fused (Meaning the togetherness force is so powerful that there is a loss of the separate ‘I’s within the “we”), the more we learn to take responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions and blame them for our own. “You always make Mum feel guilty.” “You give Dad a headache.” “You cause her to drink.” Likewise, family members assume responsibility for causing other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
Human relationships, however don’t work that way—at least not very well. We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. We are responsible for our own behaviour. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions; nor are they responsible for ours.”